remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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