Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
