i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Randomize
