You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I need a beard to bite.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
