So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
