OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
