Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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