The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
