I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
