Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
