If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
