I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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