The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
