Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wear drunk well.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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