Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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