i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
