3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
