Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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