the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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