Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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