3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
