i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
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words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Come share oat with me in your robe
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?