Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
