i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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