Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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