just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
