I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
