Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Can you come over?
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.