i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
