I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
