So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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