i need an iv and a liver transplant
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
