Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
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How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
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I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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