His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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