there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
