Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
