I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
