It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up under a house in Key West
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
