Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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