i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
