i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Randomize
