im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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