she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
