I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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