She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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