I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Boobs are out for the taking
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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