Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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