I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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