she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
as a side note pls kill me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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