and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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