Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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