My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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