Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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