I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
