i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
