If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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