why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
