So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
