I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
